I was scheduled to run 15 miles yesterday morning. It would be a hot one, so I was up before dawn to beat the heat.
I wasn’t feeling it. Not at all. I wanted to be back in bed. I bailed after 12 miles.
I have three marathons coming up in October (likely my last marathons) including back-to-back marathons in Kansas City and Des Moines (the I-35 Challenge). As I was running, I was questioning why I was doing this. I am not enjoying myself (and haven’t for about 10 months now). I have 12 marathons under my belt. Would three more matter to anyone (especially me).
I thought about downsizing the event to two half-marathons…but I don’t want the time/travel/expense for halfs. I thought about just canceling altogether. Nobody else would care.
In looking back, I had so much enthusiasm heading into Ironman Wisconsin and all that proceeded it. Nothing since has gotten me excited. I was going through the motions in Tulsa, Houston, Pittsburgh, and FANS Ultra. I am going through the motions now.
I am enjoying sprint triathlon (including training, but the commute to the pool and bike trails make it a struggle to get going). I am enjoying the shorter events (but they still have a less painful going through the motions feel).
Part of me wonders if my stubbornness at completing these final three marathons will permanently beat the joy of running out of me. I have caught myself thinking that a minor injury would be a blessing in disguise…that it would make the decision for me. Of course, thoughts like those are just crazy, but it gives you some idea about just how apathetic I am about the whole thing right now.
I remember training for IMOO and reading FB posts about lack of motivation and insufficient training. Posts where people would wonder if they should still run the race, or sell the bib/defer registration. A third of registrants DNS most marathons. I never understood this. Now, I get it. You push yourself too hard for too long and you burnout. I guess I feel like I do at mile 22 of a marathon. I have come so far, but the finish line still seems so far away…it is hard to stay motivated.
Next weekend, I have a half on Saturday (I am fine with that) and will try to back that up with a longer run Sunday. Then, I have 3 weekends of triathlons. I will hope to get one long run each of those weeks. Then, a final short push and ramp up before I taper for the Twin Cities Marathon which will be my last long run before I-35. If I can do the TCM, then KCM two weeks later should not be a problem. DMM will be a sufferfest, but one that I will have seven hours to complete.
I just need to pull my head out of my ass and get it back in the game for one final training cycle. After that, I can park it at Half Marathons and Sprint Triathlons as long as I wish…